Archetypes, Ick's, and Insurance Policies
How to make ANY pan non-stick, a moment of insanity, and an omelette observations
Do you ever get the ick, not talking about that tanned guy at the gym who winked at you that one time, but doesn’t wipe his machine down after he rips out 50 hip thrusts, BUT from a very common food that we are supposed to eat a dozen of a day if we want to get enough protein?
Eggs.
Eggs are on my stove this week, in every shape and fashion that you can imagine. Sometimes you are gifted more eggs than you know what to do with or even have the desire to eat, BUT I am making a valiant effort to put my egginess to the test.
I can cook eggs very well (humble brag💁♀️). BUT I sometimes get the ick from eggs…anyone else in this boat with me?
It usually comes in the form of a sneaky, gloopy white (maybe I am not so good at cooking eggs😂). I find it SO offensive that I write off eggs for days, maybe even weeks! It can also come in the form of a giant frittata that I made to set myself up for success on a busy week. Wednesday comes around, and the texture of my save-my-life frittata makes me want to hurl, and I end up force-feeding myself the rest, or I really save myself and pawn it off on some unsuspecting and excitable frittata-loving person.
Hard-boiled eggs are in a league of their own. A strong dislike for me; I have eaten them and been fine, but mostly I get the ick from just looking (and especially smelling them), not for me. I have even been caught more than once licking out the yolk and mayo mixture of a deviled egg and sneakily discarding the white carcass. Not sure why this is an issue for anyone, it’s my devilled egg, and I will do what I want with it. It’s not like I am licking out the mixture and putting the carcass back on the serving plate. I am not an animal!
Who gets creeped out by eggs? Please tell me how it happens? I need some ick camaraderie.
But don’t fret, this week I am TEAM EGG. (Apologies for leading with negativity.)
Omelette observations
I have never been an omelette girlie, but this week I was DRAWN to make an omelette and not just one, I made like five. (With three eggs each, you do the math.) I will tell you that the omelettes I made were absolutely delicious, and I dare say that I enjoyed the texture of them way more than a scrambled egg. I suppose a scrambled egg could come close to the texture of an omelette if made wet, meaning you cook the eggs until they are soft and a bit runny. (If runny eggs give you the ick, I TOTALLY understand.)
Three tips I have after my omelette observations this week are:
You must whisk!
Then you must whisk some more! It is very important that the egg yolks and egg whites are completely incorporated and there is no long white membrane left to its own devices (ick). This means you need to be aggressive with that whisk (or fork) and use a larger bowl than you think, so you really have room to beat the heck out of your eggs. The eggs will be yellow and frothy. Keep whisking until you have that texture. I like to lift my whisk out of the bowl and see if anything hangs on (that pesky white), and if so, you know what to do. Keep whisking.
All butter!
This is not the time to skimp on the butter. If you are worried about the amount of butter in your eggs, then girl, go poach them and be gone with you. For a three-egg omelette, I used a tablespoon of butter. Yup. If you are feeling very fancy and French, you even go as far as to baste the top of your omelette with melted butter before serving. I was too lazy to do that, but I like the idea of more butter.
Low and Slow!
Omelettes come together rather quickly, but you need to have all of your ingredients prepped and ready. Eggs whisked and seasoned, and fillings chopped (if you choose to use them). Heat your pan on a low-medium heat, add your butter, now it's time for the eggs. WE DO NOT WANT THE EGGS TO BROWN. Brown means fail when it comes to omlettes oh sorry, that was harsh, brown means lack of patience. Stir slowly and gently shake the pan to create soft curds.
When the eggs are mostly cooked but still a tad wet on top, add your toppings and do your best to fold your omelette. I like the trifold method, but it doesn’t always come out looking picture-perfect. Skip that and just fold the eggs in half. Slide that baby onto a plate and enjoy your soft, supple, creamy omelette. Bonus point if you add chives!
What egg team are you on this week?
All pans are non-stick. Ya, you heard that right! The key to making a pan behave like a non-stick is to heat it properly. A little sticking in the pan is a GOOD thing.
Sticking = flavor building. Sorry to burst your anti-scrub bubble, but all those brown bits on the bottom of your pan are FLAVOR. The browned bits, not the black bits. If it’s black, it’s burnt.
Steps to non-stick:
Let your pan heat up. This means letting your pan sit on the stovetop for longer than you might be patient for, but this is crucial for making your regular pan ‘non-stick’ using science.
Let your pan heat up on medium heat. Adjust the temperature for specific cooking needs after it is heated. If you are making eggs, TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!
Check to see if your pan is heated by getting the tip of your fingers wet and flicking the water into the dry pan. The water should jump and dance in little ball shapes.
Add fat (oil, butter, tallow) to the preheated pan and swirl it around. It won’t take long for the fat to get hot.
The hot fat will create a temporary non-stick surface, add your food, and start cooking!
I BEG you to try this! Report back. Also, know that it is perfectly acceptable to use a proper non-stick pan. I just want you to have all the information.
Welcome to the newest category of Butter Cult, where we combine a chef and a creative writer, mix them together with salt, bake in the oven for 7-86 minutes, and what comes out is piping hot and slightly unhinged. Just try and come for my job, AI, I dare you😈
I was inspired by all the eggs that came across my desk this week, so I decided to let myself be a little unhinged (the best part of my day) and let loose on some Egg Archetypes. Without further ado…
What your egg order says about you:
Scrambled: Reliable to you core but will dabble on FetLife when you have a lonely Friday evening. Always orders wheat toast and an extra packet of jam and puts too much sugar in your coffee (have since you were in the 6th grade). Loves a farmers’ market but only goes once a year.
Scrambled w/cheese: Super laid back when you have taken your anti-anxiety medication. Loves to eat healthy, but will bring donuts to the function. An artistic overthinker who can plan a trip halfway across the world in the blink of an eye, but will be too busy to go out on a Friday night.
Poached: You know more than most people, but don’t brag about it. You wear Loubitons and order eggs bennies like they are going out of style. Uncomplicated and uncompromising. A trend setter at your core. Gives off good vibes wherever you go, but talks the most shit of anyone you know.
Fried: Laughs all the time, especially during inappropriate moments. Bought into a pyramid scheme, not once, but twice. Would be a flat earther if your date was hot enough, but only for the night. Loves animals and is extremely generous with their time.
Omelette: You have big dreams to be a part of that C-suite life. Corporations run through your veins, and you dream in acronyms. Thinks The Wolf of Wall Street was a good movie. Brings a hacky sack everywhere you go and participates in drum circles every Sunday. Actually likes bran muffins.
Sunnyside up: Full of brilliant one-liners. Scans the list of sex offenders in your neighborhood regularly, volunteers to run community bake sales and silent auctions. Feeds stray cats and pets, and every dog you come across. Carries hot sauce in your purse.
Hard Boiled: Your protein goals and money goals are high. 50 push-ups, then straight to day trading for 6 hours. Bought real estate when houses cost $60K, shamed younger generations for eating avocado toast even though you LOVE it.
Jamey Egg (6-minute egg): Hipster to your core, anything mainstream is just so blasé, yet you secretly still shop the sale section at Urban Outfitters. You have a motorcycle license but no motorcycle, wear faux leather to save the cows, and use a hand crank grinder for your coffee beans.
Frittata: You are the leader of your squad, host weekly dinner parties, and have three maxed-out credit cards. You don’t care about star signs but base all high-risk decisions on vibes. Your goal is to live a good life on some land, raise chickens and tractors.
Quiche: Over the top in every way, no one dares argue with your sense of style or runway walk. Indulgent in reading and healthy snacks, think eating dairy is a sin, but will crush a pint of ice cream in one sitting. Donates to political parties and animal rescues. Always carries a cloth napkin just in case.
I thought I may have lost the plot this week. Instead, I created an entirely new category where it is encouraged, nay, expected to be completely off the rails. Thank you for indulging me♥️
I would put up a solid argument that reality TV is an anthropological study and not a waste of brain power, and I would willingly take it outside if someone wants to go toes about it. When I am not observing people teetering on the brink of insanity, I am reading, reading, reading.
Substack has become one of my favorite places on the internet, and I have found SO many amazing writers that I find myself saying but who has the time?! (I now block out time specifically to read Substack newsletters.) One that I have been loving lately is about food 🤤. The cleverest title you ever did read, The Cook’s Pyjamas! She is very helpful in the realm of meal prep, but making it approachable and NOT what we have been force-fed in the media all these years, mountains of steamed broccoli, piles of bland chicken, oh, and don’t forget the rice. Her writing is clean, precise, and incredibly helpful! Worth a subscribe for helpful tips, recipes, and overall encouragement if you are in your cooking real food era♥️
Busy people who want healthy-ish (and genuinely tasty) dinners on the table, without spending their life meal planning or feeling like a failure when they take a shortcut.
If you’re trying to cook more real food, but time and energy are constantly in short supply, you’re in the right place.
Cheers,
Nicole | Butter Cult
Photo proof that we are a real human (and cat) over here cooking, writing, and laughing with you every week.
The beloved egg whisk and what being told no looks like.
